I was reading one of the prescribed reading materials for Advanced Mental Health Course which is about Reality States. It basically discusses about how people with different stages of lives experiencing hallucination beyond the reality. It dues to many reasons which can be caused by past experiences, severe stress, sexual assault, drugs etc. Then i remembered how i heard the voice of my late sister. She was died 5 years a go and i still remember it well.
Everyone was crying and found it hard to believe that this could happen to a young, educated girl like her. Only 23 year old, beautiful, tall and slim, she had many friends around her.
Among the grieved people, i didn’t cry! I just sat and watched other crying wondering as if they were just acting! i understood that i had a state of denial but i wished that it was a dream, a silly one or a faked one. I was not able to cry only until the holy man told me that it was the last chance to have a look at her face. Immediately, i knew that it was not a dream. It was real. She was dead and i didn’t know why?? and i became angry with her for a reason that i could hardly tell.
After crying to tired myself, i heard the voice of her. I knew clearly it was hers. She cried and let me hear her. The voices was beautiful. The crying voice that i would not want to stop hearing. To the immediate sense, i told one of my three grand mothers about it. She got me wrongly. She hurriedly came to the Buddha status and pray that the voice would go away from me. I became even more angry with her even if i knew that she only did it for the good. Since then the beautiful voices never happened again and of course i knew that she loved me. I wanted me to be safe and sound. But again she got me wrongly!! i wanted it so much!!
I remembered how people treated me when she was arrived as my youngest sister. They told me that now my parents was having her, they would stop loving me!! I hated it but i could do nothing besides the hate towards my innocent sister. I wanted to touch her but my mother would not allowed me because she afraids that i would cause harm. Than made me even hate the litter one. We never had a good relationship as sisterhood.
Our sisterhood was a bad one. We never share good words. Such a bad sister i am and I always feel guilty! always!
To stop the innocent jealousy, i advocate with people by telling them not to tell children that they unloved or unwanted. Today, Vorta loves his sister very much. He shows his care and i don’t see that he feels jealous with her at all.